After eight years of trying to conceive and praying for a miracle, God has fulfilled his promise to us. I am pregnant! 13 weeks to be exact. It is still surreal to say the words “I’m pregnant.” Because for a long time, I didn’t know if I ever would be. As the years passed by, it started to feel out of reach. Distant. Almost impossible. And yet, I also had hope. In the back of my mind, I figured it just wasn’t our time yet. And now it’s here. This miracle we’ve been waiting so long for. And it’s too good of a story not to share how we got here.
In 1984, when I was born,….just kidding. I won’t start that far back. In 2010, Brandon and I got married and decided we wanted to wait a few years before growing our family. Heck, we got Arrow in 2011, and he was more than enough. In 2013, we started “trying.” Many of my friends were getting pregnant, and I secretly hoped to get pregnant, so our kids could grow up together. But as the months and years went by, my friends quickly surpassed me and started having their second, third, and even fourth kid. In 2016, we decided to get tested to see what was happening. We found out that Brandon had low testosterone, resulting in low sperm count. He had swimmers, just not enough to field a swim team.
In the summer of 2016, we went to a fertility clinic to see if we would qualify for IUI or IVF. Based on our results, the doctor said we didn’t qualify for IUI due to the low sperm count and that IVF was our best option. We were pretty discouraged by this news and spent time praying and asking God if we should pursue IVF. We felt at peace with moving ahead and trying IVF. Keep in mind IVF was a $16,000+ commitment when we went through it. So it was not just a physical commitment, but a financial one, with no guarantees of success. Oh, and did I mention I hate needles? And don’t like getting my blood drawn? Or any medical procedure? Long story short, this was a test on my mental state, and my anxiety was running high. In the end, we found out that none of our embryos were viable, meaning IVF did not work. Not even close. We were devastated. I remember thinking how foolish we were to try it. Within days of hearing the word foolish over and over in my head, God told me, “You were faithful, not foolish. Faithful to take this step and overcome so much.” We didn’t understand why God would have us go through IVF just to have it fail in the end. But looking back, it brought Brandon and me closer together as we walked through this hardship hand-in-hand. We took a break from trying for a while to heal our hearts and started up again in 2017.
Around that time, I went to counseling to work through the pain and discouragement of not getting pregnant. I did a more intense therapy called EMDR, which helps take your trauma from a 9 or 10 to a 2 or 3. During EMDR, I usually see visions and get words (from God). In that session, God told me I would carry a baby. My counselor also got a word from God and shared that she felt this was just the beginning of our journey to get pregnant. Since that counseling session, I have had COUNTLESS times in prayer where God has told me I will be a mom one day and that I will get pregnant. He never gave me a timeline, but I wrote it down whenever He said it. I’ve also had several visions where I would look down and see my pregnant belly. I’ve also had MANY friends share dreams and visions that they saw me pregnant. I share all this because, despite our failed attempts to get pregnant over the years, God continually told me I would be pregnant through many different avenues.
Fast forward to 2019, we still weren’t pregnant. I prayed and asked God if we should pursue adoption or fostering. He specifically told me, “WAIT.” About two months later, I discovered I had stage 4 Non-Hodgkin’s Follicular Lymphoma. When I found this out, my whole life was put on hold, as my focus was getting healed from cancer. They asked if we wanted to do IVF before I started chemo, as chemo could affect my eggs. I felt peace to move ahead without freezing my eggs, so I started chemo days later. We wanted to wait about a year after chemo was done to allow time for my body to heal. As you might imagine, a cancer diagnosis was a big pill to swallow. But on top of that, I knew that it would prolong us trying for almost a couple years…and mind you, Brandon is approaching his forties, and I’m not far behind. The biological time clock felt overwhelming at times. Regardless, we waited until 2021 and started trying again. At the end of 2021, I asked God, “should we foster or adopt”? This time, His wording changed. He said, “It’s coming.” I didn’t know WHEN but I told God I trusted Him.
In May of this year, God told me to resign from my job of fifteen years without having another job lined up. In one of my prayer times with God, I asked Him what was next for me. He specifically told me that motherhood would be part of my next season. I got hopeful, thinking maybe in six months or so, we’d get pregnant. My last day was June 30. We found out on August 2 that I was pregnant. That means the month after I left my job, God blessed us with a child. I joked that I should have quit many years ago. But that’s not how God works. And I don’t think my job was the primary reason for us not getting pregnant. I think it was a factor, but I also trust God’s timing is perfect.
When Brandon and I saw the positive test, we instantly hugged, cried, and thanked God. It’s still a very surreal feeling, as it’s something we’ve prayed about for so long. Pregnancy has been challenging so far, as I’ve had nausea, fatigue, and vomiting daily. Unfortunately, those symptoms mirror my chemo symptoms, so it’s been an emotional battle to separate the symptoms. I have to remind myself these are symptoms of new life being formed. These are signs that our baby is growing. Thankfully, God has been patient with me, and we’ve worked through some of those triggers. I’m 13 weeks now, and our baby is due on April 7th. We just learned the gender this week, and we’re having a BOY! Who would have thought that a body with low sperm count and a body that fought off cancer would result in a miracle baby without any medical intervention?
As I wrap up this novel, I want to encourage those in the waiting. The statement below truly describes the beauty of being in the waiting.
In the waiting, I’ve learned to listen to God’s voice more. I’ve chosen joy, despite our circumstances. I’ve grown in compassion and empathy for others in their season of waiting, whatever it may be. I’ve found contentment in the little things. I’ve learned how to let go and to trust God’s timing. I’d like to think the waiting has prepared us for parenthood, even though we still have a lot to learn.
For those of you in the waiting, whether it be for a spouse, a kid, a medical test, or a job, don’t miss out on the refinement and transformation God can do as you wait. In fact, try not to see it as “waiting,” but as steps you are taking to get to where you want to be. Live life for today. Take that trip. Call that friend. Forgive that family member. Don’t miss out on what God is doing in you right now.
For those who are waiting for a baby, I know your pain. For those who have experienced failed medical treatments to get pregnant, I’m sorry for the disappointment and lack of hope. For those who’ve been told they can’t get pregnant, I’m so very sorry for that deep loss. I know our waiting has a happy ending, and I recognize not everyone will have that experience. But I hope our story gives you hope. That it reminds you you are not alone in the waiting. That you are seen and cared for. That your story has a purpose, too, despite the outcome. Your story matters!
Below are a few resources/ministries that have helped me in our season of waiting, which can be found on Instagram:
Moms in the Making – @momsinthemaking
I Am Fruitful – @i.am.fruitful